Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
