you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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