Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
