Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
