had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize