I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
