If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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