I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
