I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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