I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
