The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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