it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Randomize
