I'm sorry my penis didn't work
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
