Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
