um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
