1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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