Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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