Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
