don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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