genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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