If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
