I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
