apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize