Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
