I think im going to throw up on grandma
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
