peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
zippers are such a cool invention
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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