Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just google imaged poop.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
