i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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