did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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