I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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