Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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