the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
