Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
