The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
