my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
