yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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