Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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