I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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