you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
