1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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