Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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