So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
