I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
