I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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