do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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