I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
