NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
