I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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