When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
