Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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