White coat. Heels.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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