I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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