So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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