My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
