Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
