honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
All I want is dick and wine.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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