Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
