i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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