i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
This girl is more easily done than said...
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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